The video above was a user-friendly version of how passive aggression looks like. You may not relate to the situations, but I am sure you can read in between the lines and make some type of connection. Passive aggressiveness is the art of being indirect towards the expectations of others or about your expectations of others. Being passive aggressiveness can also be described as not being direct, or being hesitant about confrontation. Examples of passive aggressive behaviors are: sarcasm, playing victim in situations you created, fake compliments, and not expressing anger.
Personally, I suffered from being passive aggressive because I knew myself. I knew that when I got mad, I would be liable to say anything to hurt the next person without thinking twice. As a result, on a mission to be nice and not hurt others, I internalized A LOT. I would just let things that were not okay, be okay. Justifying things that were not justifiable. We all know that is not good. And most of time if you are internalizing things that upset you, those things will manifest as passive aggressive behaviors. Which is what I did. Now I have tried to develop the direct approach. Some people might think I am too blunt at times, but that helps me effectively communicate. Yet, I am truly a nice girl, contrary to other beliefs. Time to time I struggle with internalizing things and becoming passive aggressive. Honestly, if you want to simply passive aggressiveness, that is what it is. You get fed up or angry. Now you are subtly being aggressive expecting others to interpret the problem that you aren't even being vocal about.
Self-reflection: I began self-reflecting on what I needed to change. I didn’t know how to effectively communicate my expectation of others. I did not know how to create boundaries. I did know that I could disagree with someone in a HEALTHY way, and resume a normal platonic or working relationship. And honestly, I am not going to sit here and blame myself either. When you know better you can truly do better. BUT, you must be honest and truly be open to fixing the ugly parts of yourself. You should humble enough, to extend the olive branch and realize you might have been the cause of the problem. Self-Realization is that you??? A lot of us think we know how we feel and why we feel certain ways. Sadly, a lot of us have a very shallow sense of self-realization. We recognize the good parts of us, but do not recognize the parts that need improvement. And guess what, if you have parts of you that need fixing... congrats! You my good sis or bro… are HUMAN. Regarding passive aggressiveness. If you fit any of those characteristics.. you have passive aggressive tendencies. Next is the why? Why do you give backhanded compliments? Is it because that person has something you are envious of, and you want to disguise your jealousy as sarcastic humor? Or you like giving silent treatment when you are mad with friends? Could you be that terrified of confronting the situation head on and expressing your dislike that you would rather jeopardize a friendship by not saying anything? Why are you passive aggressive?
Get over the audacity of others. When I tell you, this is my new MANTRA! Every time I get upset with anyone and I call my mom venting she says this. “Get over the audacity of it. Let me make it make sense. As humans, every reaction is a result of an action. In regards to audacity, which Oxford defines as a willingness to take bold risks, or in this case, a rude or disrespectful behavior; we normally react when individuals demonstrate audacious behaviors. Like when you have worked a long 9-5, and your boss has the audacity to ask you to stay longer. Or when you at the drive thru and someone has the audacity to get an attitude with you because you want an extra sauce. I could go on, please do not give me mic! My point is, people get besides themselves at times. Willingly and sometimes accidentally. But it is up to you to decide your actions. What I am coming to realize is people have bad days. Others may just be miserable. But regardless, I handle me. I have learned that when others come at me dumb I can be assertive without being aggressive. Instead of being sarcastic back with someone, I can simply say, “I do not like the way you are talking to me, and I’d appreciate if you correct your tone please.” That is a super nice way of say you got me… you know the rest, don’t you? Which leads me to the last tidbit, practice healthy confrontation!
So, spoiler alert! This last tip, is me dragging myself! Surprise! I hate confrontation. My friends and family know this. Yet, when I am upset I would have the nerve to expect others to understand my disgust? Sounds like a genie, right? No one can read your mind. So, when that employer asks you to stay late and you know that you have things to do, ding ding! You are being passive aggressive. Why? Because one, you are avoiding confrontation. You know you need to tell the boss, that you cannot work like that. But maybe you are scared? You have a friend who is saying something slick you do not like, and you suddenly have had the last straw? Have you start making jabs or better yet are talking about them behind them back to others? If yes, congrats! You are being passive aggressiveness. Communication can solve so much. Going back to self-awareness, why are you afraid to communicate your concerns to other? Do you have a bad fuse, and think you are incapable of talking it out? You do not know how to use your words? Or are you afraid you may seem vulnerable if you open up and say something hurt you? Maybe you need to develop a better respect for yourself and time? Maybe you truly don’t know how to say no? Well learn to. Flip the script. This is my favorite technique now. I often think, how would this person handle this situation if were me. 10/10 they would confront whatever situation or problem they had with me head on. You know why? Because most us do not like feeling uncomfortable. And unresolved confrontation is uncomfortable. Being sarcastic gets old, so eventually you would want to speak up. Losing valuable (emphasis on valuable) friendships and relationships are not worth it when you can just say how you feel respectively and agree to disagree. Do not constantly bring up what you are doing for a person either. That is passive aggressive as well. When people are doing more than what you think is expected of you, say that! That job! Be respectful but communicate your concerns. You don’t have to be a slave against your will. Like my mama always say, people have a job to be done and it is no hard feelings. But do create those boundaries and say no. Do not even take things to heart at work, either you can do it or you cannot.
Remember to be self-aware of your bad ways and habits. If 5 people are telling you, you come off passive aggressive.. you just might be. And if you are, why? Break it down. Are you upset? Do you not know how to communicate effectively? Are you hurt? Are you triggered by people’s audacity? Confront the situation head on then, and stop being passive aggressive.* gentle ink * (today)...
XOXOXOXO- SeauxRaven