Sis 2 Sis

Chapter 7: Da Rules Part II

4. If God shut the door , you don’t need to knock no more. I’ll speak for myself with this one. I don’t feel, but I KNOW, God has allowed me to dodge SEVERAL bullets. And when I say dodge, I mean like BARELY. Like the bullet just about grazed my skin. So you’d think that when God allows you to get away from a crazy job, toxic relationship or situationship, or deliver you from some type of evil... you’d leave it ALONE. But no. We tend and befriend. A lot of us go right back to that door and basically bust it down. It’s important to realize that playing with fire will eventually get you burned. God’s grace only can go so far, because we have free will. At the end of the day, we freely make our decisions. I often see the saying, “Sometimes God takes away to give us much better,”. I wholeheartedly believe that. I don’t think that doors get closed in our faces and things we actually need or can handle are on the other side of them. Because God isn’t evil like that. Sometimes you don’t understand. Sometimes it ain’t for you to be Nancy Drew and find a clue sis. The majority of the time you just need to leave the door closed. And if.. if it was meant for you? If that job was meant for you, if that relationship was supposed to work out, if you were treated unfairly; the coin will flip later in your favor. A lot of times we aren’t mature as we think we are in that moment. As well as, we could be being protected from something or someone that could forever change our lives for the bad. You just never know. Trust that your blessings will manifest in the right timing and nothing GOOD will be withheld for you.

5. Have an open mind, and stop being judgmental. The other day my bestie met this dude while running some quick errands. We literally tell each other everything , so you know she gave ya girl a ring. She describes him and to be honest, he seemed pretty solid. Then... the but—- came in. She goes, “ I mean he doesn’t do this, his religion is this.. etc.” Now, every woman should have non- negotiables. Some women don’t date men with kids. Some women don’t date dudes without cars. Some women don’t date men who are atheists. And guess what, all of these are okay because they are PREFERENCES not PREJUDICES. But there is a big difference in a preference and being judgmental. I felt like my friend was being a little judgmental because she didn’t even ask the guy to clear up her assumptions, plus he had came at her so correct..so nice(which he later explained himself and her concern was validated lol). The good and fun experiences in life, I believe, come from approaching things with an open mind. You have to know that everything can be a lesson, and not a bad one at that. You can learn through every moment in life. And I'm not going to point the finger because I can't type this without feeling like I've been judgmental constantly throughout life. We all judge others lives, their religions, their clothes, their skin... and won't even engage in educating ourselves or having simple conversations to put our assumptions to rest. You don’t have to dare devil it up if that’s not your style, but live a little. And this isn’t just for dating. Adopt this mantra with everything. I’m taking this cross cultural competence class and it truly challenges my comfort zone. I have to do this project about a topic that really makes me uncomfortable and interview people who engage in this topic. I have to watch videos and have discussions that make me very angry. But guess what...I wana be a bomb therapist so I need to really be broaden my horizon. I have to talk to ALL the people in my class and even extend the olive branch first sometimes. So before you joke about vegans lifestyles and their food, eat some vegan food yourself(it's super good btw). Before you judge that girl at work who doesn't drink, ask her about her lifestyle. Talk to the coworker or classmate that is totally different from you. Take that risky opportunity or job. Take the date and get to know the guy (if you want). Hang out with people who don’t make you feel comfortable and challenge your beliefs. Volunteer somewhere that sheds light on your sheltered world. Try new things, and don’t judge books by their covers. There’s no fun, liberation, or experience in always playing it safe.

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Chapter 7: Da Rules, Pt. I

Wasup Ladies. 2019 was THAT year. You know those years that feel like you’re on a constant rollercoaster? That was 2019 in a nutshell. I swear one moment it felt like I was on the peak of the coaster with my hands up screaming full of excitement (and for help at the same time). Next thing you know, I was going down a steep hill with my stomach flipping dramatically as I tried not to puke my guts out. Nevertheless, shoutout to the last year of the decade.. because it developed some muscle in ya girl. So here’s some rules I’m living by as a woman, as a sister, as THAT GIRL I plan to be in this new decade. And I’m pretty sure you’ll love these and use them as your mantra loves.

1. I’m going to be unapologetically me. Seems simple right? It’s not that easy being yourself, today anyway. Especially not as a woman. As a woman, I constantly feel subjected to proving some point to society. I have to prove I am pretty enough, but that I’m also not just a face. I can’t be too silly, because then I’m too ditzy. Then as a black woman—Lord..don’t make me preach on it.. As a Black woman I am constantly being scrutinized for being BLACK. The constant code switching I have to endure, the hesitation of getting hairstyles because I don’t want to be judged before I speak, the list could go on. Anyway I promised that I would be the best RAVEN I can be. No more watering down my personality because God forbid it makes the next person feel small. I’m using my insecurities as assets. My voice, annoying to some and a gift to others; I blog. I created my own platform so those who appreciate my talents can engage.. and those who don’t, won’t. I will adjust in certain settings when need be.. but I won’t stop being me. You are allowed to constantly redefine yourself, but remember don’t let anyone influence you to feel ashamed of who you are.

2. I, WE, NONE OF US, are clearing up people’s assumptions. Rumors are awful. No matter what age you are, they have some type of impact on the person who is the center of it. I feel like all my life I have been the center of someone’s topic of conversation because I was constantly socializing or in some type of group that was seen. Nevertheless, my name was always in somebody’s mouth. And I aint gonna lie, it pissed me off. Because unless it’s a little shoe shoe with my homegirls, I really am not out here tearing people’s names down. Yet, I experienced that. And it would affect me and my outlook on myself. BAD. I remember specifically last year I was in the middle of a social media fast. Doing well with it honestly. And Lord and behold my friends hit me up with some rumor that had spread about me and a boy I literally had no relations with. Ima keep it a stack. I was burnt up. Like you ever hear something about you that is so false you’re disgusted by it. Then to make matters worse there was “proof” and whoever circulated the mess was being unanimous about it. I quit my fast and literally allowed the assumptions of others to work me up to the point where I literally almost was on the verge of a physical altercation. Imagine trying to get close to God and you stop because you’re trying to clear up lies. Oh well I’m just being honest. My point? As the lovely Lori Harvey goes around and literally does what she wants and refuses to make a press releases, I am advising you to do the same. The biggest lie you can fool yourself into believing is that people’s opinions of you really matter. The coldest line Drake spit was, “a wise man once said nothing at all.” You aint gotta say NOTHING SIS. Let people wonder.

3. Stop letting these men dictate your lives and choices. Read it AGAIN. Don’t read this and close this post because you feel like it’s a drag. If you take a honest look at your choices and decisions, I can BET MONEY.. that a good bit of our choices as women are rooted from a man! You see a fine man at the club, you gonna make sure you walk past him again. You trying to flex on your ex and let him know you aint tripping on him— you’re going to post a bomb selfie. OR, you might change your tweets so they can’t have any type of emotion attached to them. Generalized tweets that can’t be interpreted what so ever (oops am I telling on myself). Or what about the worse scenario. You CONVINCE yourself you are in a relationship and drop your all your picks, because you ASSUME your top pick is about to draft you. LOL GIRL DON’T MAKE ME START TELLING MY LIFE STORY. Word to the wise, unless it’s verbalized…don’t assume it. We as women have to learn to start taking things more casual. Take things as they come to you and exactly as they are. Actions are cool, especially when they are consistent. But.. let’s let men be men, and speak up. And if you need clarity SPEAK up. My friends and I have this saying. “Quiet Women Don’t Get No Respect.” They don’t sis. You may not get the response you want.. but a man will respect a woman who respects herself and SAYS whats up. And the great thing about it.. is they can like it and stick around. Or they can hate it and dip. And you’d rather them leave than be put through the misery. So no more letting men control what we wear and how we wear it. Stop letting your every decision be based on men. Stop thinking that you need to jump into a relationship because a man took you on a date. Continue your plans as normal and continue to engage in your normal routines. Do what you want to do. Have a strong mind.

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9/4

SIS 2 SIS IS BACK!

Chapter 7

Will the REAL HOT GIRLS, please stand up?

So, it is way overdue… but Sis 2 Sis is back. And this is for all my real hot girls. This whole hot girl thing really took off, shout out to my good sis Megan Thee Stallion. Megan really got us women embracing the hotties we are; being bold, raw, and unapologetic. What I love about this “movement” is... we can ALL be hot girls. No matter what your race, zodiac sign, weight, or personality style is. But let us remember and note what a real girl should embody so we can truly keep this thing going all year round.

1. “Yeah, I’m in my bag, but I’m in his too.” Everybody felt this lyric huh? Don’t we all want a man who is going to share the wealth. A man who aint afraid to break bread and make sure his ole lady fed. Well look you aint gotta answer sis, because I do. What they say, “if you love her drape her in designer?” But sis before I keep it going... lemme remind you that you need to be able to buy that Prada, Gucci, Channel, or Fendi bag. You see that quote that’s floating on everybody’s insta snap story, “Everything I require, I can reciprocate.” That means you can return the favor, or you compliment it, or you on the same energy. A lot of us women just gimme gimme, but don’t even want to match the energy or let alone give the things we want for ourselves. Sis you cannot be on your Hot Girl shhh if you are begging a dude to give you everything. That aint even City girl behavior, that’s bum behavior. Don’t ask where the bag at, if you won’t get up and go get the bag at work every day. You attract what you give off. So, if you tryna be in his bag too, make sure you in yours pooh. Don’t nobody want a brokie. A brokie aint just a financial description either, it’s a mentality. So, get in your bag and ease up off his. Then watch the bag chase you. (note the bag is not just money).

2. Obsessing over growth: That is one thing I love about Megan. I really stan this woman’s journey and when I watch her interviews she makes it a point to let it be known she is madly focused on herself and her growth. Sis is truly in her own lane, and her own competition at this point. Sis, a real hot girl… like one that’s executing straight pressure, is worried about her’s and her’s only. What’s the three F’s.. ? If it has no RELEVANCE, then it does not need to be occupying your space in your head. Drop it. Obsess over your growth. Make these last four months super personal. When you are so obsessed with the woman you are becoming, EVERYTHING ALIGNS. You become dangerous. Things can only get better. Cut off that toxic female, I mean man (he acts like a woman with all that drama, don’t he?). Self -care the heck out of yourself. Show yourself some major love girl because you deserve it. Dig into your goals that you pushed to side, and of saying how, say WHEN. Put a stamp on it. It is just September, don’t let anybody tell you it is too late to grow. That’s real HOT.

3. “I keep it realer than REAL”- BE YOU. In a world full of liposuction, Dr. Miami Miracles, and IG models.. it is hard to decide who you are. And better yet, it is super hard to find who you identify with. Don’t get me wrong, do you sis. If surgery will make you feel better, do you. I am all about doing what YOU want to do. But don’t think it is necessary. Hot girl Meg always throwing out how she is natural. And I love it because it has been a while since we have had a woman in the center of the media who is. Show them the natural you. Whatever it is that makes you, YOU. Many people wonder why I cut my hair. Other that being a spontaneous maniac, I felt like it exemplified the natural me. Like a whole different beauty was released. Am I telling you to cut your hair. No! Wear your wigs and protective styles girl, cause sis ME TOO. They coming back real soon. But do it for you. Drake said it best, “And you don’t do it for the man, men never notice. You just do it for yourself you coldest.” YOU the coldest sis! I challenge you to really work on highlighting the real you. Whatever that is and how that looks for each of you will vary. But you will know.

4. Lastly, a REAL hot girl is supportive of all the Hotties. You can be a boss and still support other women. Let me say that again. You can be a boss and still support other women. You can’t be promoting girl power and be a bully in real life. That is hateful. Being a mean girl is not cool, ever. Regina George is a FAKE character, plus a bus hit her! What Karma. And Cady aka Lindsey L…. There are a lot of yall out there. Playing that fake mean girl role, and getting humbled. Don’t be too alright (super friendly and fake), but it will not kill you to be cordial. Stop cyberbullying/ subtweeting girls that have you blocked. Stop trolling behind the comfort of a computer screen if you aint bout that action in REAL life. Stop beefing over a dude who neither you or the other girl has exclusive rights to. Don’t put Live, Laugh, Love in your bio if you are being Messy, Bullying, and Childish. Stop reposting Boss Babe quotes if you not promoting all the hotties’ well-being. You see my good sis Megan puts all her sisters on the hottie movement and realizes everybody can win. Period.

That my girls are some 4 concepts that will help you live out the HOT GIRL movement all year long. Thanks for reading, and keep it hot sis!

1. Chapter 6: Sis 2 Sis The Danger of Compartmentalization Compartmentalization is subjective. Some argue that it isn’t denial, it’s just an emotional break. I argue that it is an illusion, a trick of the brain. So to be clear, compartmentalizing is the subliminal (hidden) defense or process we often use to put emotions or uncomfortable experiences on hold in our brains. We don’t like consciously reliving moments that hurt us. I mean who does. So we organize them in these file folders in our head, but we try our very best not to ever take any files from that file cabinet. Lol, like the year 2016. That was a rough year for me. I got in a car wreck, lost a close family member… so much wow I could write a book. And even though I’m a glass half full type of gal, hurt is hurt. And that year HURT. So consequently, if I see any Snapchat memories from that year… I kind of ignore them. When I hear people talk about my aunt and her sudden death, I check out. Like I don’t acknowledge it. I really had this weird way of putting those emotions on hold. So without further ado, I want to (and I cannot stress this enough) inform you ladies of the dangers of compartmentalizing. I was listening to one of my favorite podcast, Therapy for Black Girls, and it warned of the dangers of mismanaging your emotions. And that statement is slightly irritating isn’t it? Like women, who are inevitably emotional creatures, are constantly getting criticized. It’s either you’re being too dramatic, too mean, too aggressive, acting on impulse, the list goes on. Seems like us women just can’t get it right. But for every woman who comes across this post, please know it is okay to be transparent. It’s okay to sit down and figure out why you feel the way you feel. Because when you don’t address things with yourself and have that mental sit down we all often need; that’s when things get messy. The bad bleeds in with the good. Classic example for all women: You deal with a tore up dude who traumatizes you and your outlook on love. So going forward, instead of getting some type of closure and exploring all of aspects of that crappy relationship, you hide it in the back of your brain. You don’t address that you saw all of the signs and acknowledge your role in the foolery. So now that ugly hurt bleeds out at the wrong times and can sometimes have you looking like an emotional cannon. It messes up your communication skills and you’re not able to evolve into the woman you’re supposed to be. Or with your friends. You peep some shady things but you don’t really say anything but later have an explosion because you never addressed your concern head on. Compartmentalizing also can cause depression and self hatred. Emotions are tricky. Those boogers can really get the best of you. Look at Ayesha. Obviously she had compartmentalized her insecurities about Steph’s fame. And as predicted, the world judged her. But let’s be real, how long do you all think she’s felt this way? So now what was hidden in the back, creeps its way into a very popular talk show and people have now misinterpreted and dehumanized her as a woman. Like how was this woman’s vulnerability not empathized for? I don’t even think sis knew prior to this interview she would bring this up. I think it just happened. Like that! That’s what happens when we don’t create the space to experience our emotions in a healthy manner. Therapy is seen as a European concept, and many minorities can’t and will not get with it. No one likes venting because there’s far and few many who will keep it a stack. And honestly we feel others don’t have the capacity to deal with our issues, especially if we are barely managing them ourselves. That’s why it is UBER IMPORTANT to have self awareness. Know when you can not hold those memories in any more. Address them. Cry about it. Like that ugly cry where you go look in the mirror and smile with relief after. Journal down what those moments of trauma did to you. Create a healthy support system. Go to church and join small group. Because if not, you will constantly swim in pool of denial. And when you’re in denial you can not grow as a woman. If you don’t understand how sort through your emotions and process things properly… you will be an emotional wreck. You will constantly have these public meltdowns, being violent, embarrassing yourself because of your lack of emotional processing. As a woman, don’t deny your emotions. I know I hate being thought of as soft, but I am a woman. I am a delicate creature with emotions that are meant to be felt. Deal with what your secret file folders hold today, stop denying the past. Experience healing today. Can’t nobody keep it realer with you, than you sis. For more context on Compartmentalizing please listen to Therapy for Black Girls: Showing up When You Want to Lay Down, March 13, 2019,

Chapter 5:Letting Go, Even When it's the only thing you know: As women, we get ourselves in some pretty sticky situations. We are such compassionate and soft creatures, and sometimes (most of the times) this is the main reason we are often taken advantage of. We have so much hope for DEAD situations. Everyone who reads this chapter, has been in a relationship or situationship that has brought out the very worst in you. Sis, I am here to tell you… even if it is the only thing you have known, you got to let it go. If you find yourself constantly being crazy, let it go. If it offers no security/ unpaid internship, let it go. If you find everything in your world crumbling apart because of this man’s presence in your life, let him go. It can be hard, because some people just bring so much distraction in our lives at times where we are so vulnerable. Their dysfunction allows you to forget about everything that is pressing and present. Also, I think sometimes we get consistency or something being routine confused with healthiness or normalcy. For instance, if a woman has been in a lengthy relationship with a very insecure man, she might think it is normal for a man to constantly ask her whereabouts or think verbal abuse is okay. If Lisa has dealt with John for 4 years and they have never been in committed relationship; Lisa might really believe it is okay for guys to give her the run around and waste her time for free. If a man is constantly making you question the legitimacy and security you hold in his life, you might think it is healthy to pull up and pull out weapons on dudes. And look these scenarios might not be directly applicable to your life, but I am sure you can catch my drift. Being in these lingering situations and relations taint our reality. Things that are not okay, are okay to us. And healthy things then become weird to us. Like at one point of my life, I thought it was weird for a man to consistently communicate with and date me without him stressing me out. I would really think, “Wow he is so boring!” And that is when you have officially then become the toxic person. Rejecting good food, because you like the tartness of the spoiled leftovers. For a while, I wanted the toxic mcdouble with insecurity on the side. The longer you tolerate these triggering relationships, the longer your vison is screwed. No matter how long you have tolerated a situation or relation; if it constantly producing anger, venom, and sadness… it is not okay to stick it out. It is not healthy for one to believe that consistency on one person’s part, in a two-person relationship, IN THIS ECONOMY, will produce change. Sometimes it is good to do a little role reversal and think about how things would be if the situation was flipped. Then you can figure out if a chance is well deserved or not. Do you think lil CJ would want you to be his girlfriend if you he knew that everybody in the community had rights to you? You really think Bryan would still tolerate your foolishness if you had shown him for years that you did not take him serious. The answer is NO SIS. One thing I tell my brothers all the time is that I admire men. Men are very selfish and 9.5/10 get exactly what they want. Men are okay with dropping you after your convenience has worn off. Men will lead 2 girls on they have no intent on getting serious with, date another, and have a whole baby mama on the side. I am not saying to play the game like that. All of us aint built to be City Girls and that is okay. But I do think it is important to be super mindful of someone’s intent so you know how to move. Because I promise if you pay attention long enough you will know. And most of us know, we just ignore it. If you want better, you must force yourself to do better. The bible says the children of Israel wondered through the wilderness for 40 years because they were disobedient to God. SIS TAKE THEM SIGNS AND FLEE. Do not get stuck in the wilderness with El Foolio. And if you do not have a sign, here it is.

1. No matter how long you have been entangled in the web of toxins and hurt, you have to leave it alone. Most of us (me, I am dragging old me) will fail to see better because we confuse our triggers for our types. That is what happens when you tolerate something so wrong for too long. You become immune to red flags and you embrace them hoping for change. It may hurt now. It may hurt later. It may hurt for a couple of years. But the worst hurt is the emotional scars you must deal with from accepting less than you deserve. Do not ever confuse someone always being there with their actual contribution they have in your life. If you look back, someone might have been there through a very rough patch in your life. And that trauma causes you to cling tight to them. But just maybe, they caused the trauma. And you think life is so great with them, but you are being pulled into a scam. Life can only get better and you can receive so much more if you let go. Rip the band aid off now. Do not be afraid to be alone, that takes strength. It takes a strong woman to realize her worth and tolerate nothing less. Before you know it a real one will come through. And real ones… you never have to question their legitimacy. It will feel like a breath of fresh air. But you can only get that breath of fresh air if you trust that there is more on the other side of the trauma you are used to.

xoxxoxxoxoxxoxoxo- SeauxRaven

Sis 2 Sis

Chapter 4- Thank You Next

Wow, Ariana Grande was in her BAG when she wrote Thank You, Next… was she not? She talks about all her exes and disappointments, thanking them for making her stronger and the wonderful woman she is today. What does this have to do with me, you may ask. Well tune in and let us journey down memory lane…

A lot of us have the weight of the past constantly on our backs. We are forever thinking about our past relationships, failures, and many things we CANNOT CHANGE. We are constantly hearing, “let that hurt go,” or better yet, “charge it to the game”; but what happens when we cannot do that anymore. I mean it sounds great, but letting go of the past is a process, not a one-time action. And more than anything, it is important to get over hurt in a healthy way so you can have a better future. A lot of women can never really have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex because they are holding on to insecurities from 3 relationships ago. In our defense, women are emotional creatures. We have feelings, no matter how hardcore and heroic we want to be. WE FEEL everything. But sometimes I wonder if everything is meant for me to feel. Must I put my all into everyone? Shouldn’t I have better emotional intelligence? Sometimes we put our emotions so deep into these men we cross paths with. We go into these situations expecting so much and continue to get hurt with these one-sided expectations. Let go. Let go of Anthony, Tim, Demario, Brandon, …. let go of all those men who disappointed you. Cause let’s be real, 9/10 we disappointed ourselves by being overbearing, crazy, and having these one-sided relationships we created in our wild imaginations. How about we thank those people for the let downs and hurts like my girl Ariana said. Because yes we’ve loved and we’ve lost. But look at the strength and wisdom it gave you! Thank you, NEXT!

As women, we wear out, “Patience is a virtue.” We will tolerate things and people who yield no benefits whatsoever. We will allow our peace to be interrupted and our lives to be messed up. Then months later we are wondering why life is so chaotic for us. That is a crappy way to live. Instead of enabling all that negativity and being others’ punching bags, say thank you NEXT. We must learn when to draw the line. If it is not bringing peace, you need to let it (job, friend, boyfriend, anything) go.

Know do not beat yourself up on mistakes and heartbreaks. Remember, for every toxic friendship, relationship, or situation that brought you pain…. at one point, you enjoyed it. Understanding why we like toxicity is important. I know for me, I realized I liked projects. You know, dudes who had potential. Those men intrigued me because I thought I could fix them and help them reach their max potential. I did the same with friends. Tolerating mean girl friendships and manipulation, because I had no mind of my own. Or simply just being too NICE because that is how I was raised. But I had to say, thank you NEXT. Sure, everyone is working on themselves, and has ways to go. However, I am not a doctor and I do not need to go around trying to fix broken people that need a little more than therapy. And that is not my job. I do not have my Masters in Psychology, yet. I said my part though… so why do you like toxicity? Why do you enjoy one sided relationships where you are getting nothing in return? Does it feed your ego? Do you like creating bad situations and playing victim…? Ask yourselves these questions so you can get to the BOTTOM and ROOT of the problem.

Sis 2 Sis- Chapter 3- “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Comparison is the act or instance of comparing. Comparison, in a light sense, occurs when looking at apples in the grocery store. You pick up two apples, and you examine them closely. No one wants an apple that is bruised. And who wants an apple that looks like it is rotting. Not me! That is the level one, harmless state of comparison. Then there is level two. You and your friends are sitting around talking about who knows what. And then you get on the topic of men. “So, you telling me you think Mark looks better than Derrick?” Or, “Well, Lance got a beard and nice teeth, so he before Brandon on my list. Brandon broke anyway.” You know how these convos go. Women go on and on about what they like in men, and which man has the better physical characteristics. Then one girl is told she has bad taste (I am this girl in my friend group) because of her opinions in men. Good ole fun comparison. Why not compare different men, don’t they do the same to us? Finally, there is level three. The nasty comparison that consumes you and eventually makes you envious of girls who are your friends and not your enemies. You know exactly what I am talking about. The level of comparison that allows you to be so consumed with another woman’s life, that your own life is fleeting right in front of you.

Now, Kanye is NOT my favorite. His stupidity has been at an all-time high lately. But the old, and somewhat inspirational him said something quite relatable. “We’re all self- conscious. I’m just the first to admit it.” Like hello! I Raven, am the second one to admit it. I think we as women are inherently insecure and obsessive with keeping up with societal norms. It is in our nature to pick ourselves apart and obsess over things we CANNOT change. We then find women around us who have what we crave or think we lack. And we comparrrrrrrrre the hell out of ourselves to them. Like these same women do not have problems of their own and are not comparing themselves as well. It seems so harmless at first. You just consider yourself looking up to someone or simply admiring what they have. But where is the line drawn? Comparison can quickly turn into jealousy. And jealousy is an awful monster.

It is easy to look at your friend who you THINK has it all together. I feel like we all have that friend who really makes life look easy. She might be the smartest one out of the bunch. She may be more financially stable and have the invested relationship with her boyfriend. Then you think, why not me? “Why don’t I have a boyfriend, I have a better personality than my friend? She using dude anyway!” Or, “She doesn’t even deserve her job, she lives paycheck to paycheck.” And, “Why is she so successful and I’m not. I’m way hard working than her.” But who are you to question what the next woman has and how she got it. Worry about you, and being the best version of you. Comparison is a trick of the ego. Get besides yourself and stop sweating what does not even need to be fixed! God made you the way he did for a reason, and he is a talented artist. Invest into what you can change, but never compare apples to oranges. You’re not comparable to anyone because we are all unique and beautiful creatures. It does not matter the skin complexion, body build, hair texture, social status… none of that! None of that is comparable among us women. We are on different journeys, have different battles, and are in different seasons of our lives. Enjoy your moment and never be envious of the next woman’s successes. What you want from her, might be her biggest insecurity or flaw. Comparison forces us to focus on the wrong things and wrong people. It is a waste of precious energy that could be invested elsewhere.

With love, xoxoxxoxxoxox-SeauxRaven

Chapter Two

Respect Who? YOU!

Wasup Sis? Let us talk about respect. Respect can be defined as a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. For example, a lot of us women have a lot of respect for Beyoncé and her music abilities. I have a lot of respect for my mom, because she is a very admirable woman and is very strong. Respect is a beautiful thing, especially when it is mutual. So, who respects you? Throughout history, women have continually been on the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to respect. Women had to fight for suffrage. Women constantly are fighting for equality at the work place. And Lord have mercy, let’s not talk about the DAILY struggles of the BLACK woman. Here is my point. Considering all the uncontrollable struggles the average woman faces, why do we turn around and... amplify the struggle? Respect is something I think this generation of women lacks. Some of us degrade ourselves on social media and post anything. I am aware this is “anything goes” era. And yes, I know people like to show they are body positive and embrace their curves. I do not think there is anything wrong with skin here and there. But omg, must we show EVERYTHING? My mama used to always tell me, “Raven leave something left for imagination.” Do not show it all, let men wonder about the rest. And I get the phrase more, the older I get. Respecting yourself, sets the precedence for how others will treat you. Specifically, men. That is why it is important to set standards. When I say standards, I am not talking about physical. Personally, I think the older you get, the less you should care about appearance. Worry about important things, like does this man have money? I’M KIDDING! I know you must have something to wake up to, but lighten up on those impossible standards. Does he really have to be 6 ft. or taller. Must he have a 6-figure job ...when you do not even have a job? Does he really have to drive a foreign car, when your Toyota is barely making it. No shade. Get it how you live, but do not expect what you do not even have when it comes to materialistic things. Honesty, reliability, humor, stability, ... those are a few characteristics I like in men. And if you have not respected yourself in the past, use those hurts and let downs as building blocks to set up a better level of respect for yourself. Model how you want to be treated. Period. If you are looking for a relationship and are not into casually dating and receiving the minimum... it is not in your best interest to talk to someone who has no intent on being in a relationship. A lot of women get mad at the cards we are dealt, yet we choose the hand. Re read that. We constantly disrespect OURSELVES. We do not stick to the standards we have set because we are impatient. So, we just continue the stage of settling for anything and everything. It is important to remember, what you want and need can be found, if you just wait. Like seriously. WAIT. Awhile back, I really liked this dude. Like, I want him to be my husband, that type of like. I will always use these vague scenarios, because although I want to be relatable, I like to keep my love life private. But what I really liked was his potential. It was very clear he was not and would never be what I desired. So, I tucked my standards away and was complacent with what I got. That is a sucky cycle women enable. Because you become bitter, expecting a change that will never come. When you love yourself, you respect yourself. Then, when you show respect for yourself by sticking to your standards, watch others fall in line. Respect is like a game of tag. You run and run, seeing how far you can get without being tagged. That’s how men are, if you can picture it. They will go as far as you allow them to, if you do not tag them. And I do not want you all to walk around with your noses up acting untouchable. A simple “no I don’t like that”, will suffice. “I’d prefer this.” “If you cannot do this, then I’m not interested.” It is that SIMPLE. Do that on the forefront though. Do not be afraid to speak up because you do not want to appear high maintenance. I guarantee you, men will not bite their tongues regarding what they want from you. Stop suppressing what you want for someone who will not give it to you, and level up and find someone who will. More than anything stop disrespecting yourself. No one wants to respect anyone who is not worthy of it. Prove you are worthy of the respect you want. Be a woman of class and mind. Be a beautiful woman inside and out. Be a woman who respects herself and sticks to the standards she has for herself.

Xoxxoxoxoxoxox- SeauxRaven

Introduction/Purpose

Happy New Year ladies! I hope 2018 treated you well and you’re ready to kick 2019’s butt! It will bring so much joy to my soul, watching the women around me prosper and flourish. This blog series' intent is to uplift women and help you (whoever is reading this) recalibrate your worth, and add some commas to it. INCREASE IT! Every year, we see these long drawn out social media posts about self-worth, what to tolerate, and how we should change ourselves. These outrageous posts put us on a high. We feel like we can do any and everything. We feel like we are untouchable, and God’s gift to Earth. And who is to say all these things aren’t true? But the influence of these expectations set us on a time clock. “I want to achieve self-love by March, loose 10 pounds by July, and oh yes… I am going to have a man by November.” You want to put all these goals and aspirations into the universe, but you have not looked in the mirror and evaluated where you are. How exactly can and will you achieve these? How can you do these things if you are lacking self-realization? How will you keep a positive self-image in the mist of changing your inadequacies? In this new blog series, I hope you gain confidence, determination, wisdom, love, and appreciate YOU, for the beautiful woman you are.

Chapter One: Love Yourz

Self-love and self-esteem…are journeys; but not destinations. I do not believe any woman just nails these, and remains on a cloud about themselves. Beyoncé is a BAD CHICK. But I am more than sure she looks in the mirror just like us, and frowns about some flaw she has, and wishes desperately she could change it. Being a woman today can be DISHEARTENING, if you allow it to be. I do not mean that in a depressing way either. It just seems like you can never do enough. When I was younger, I was bullied about EVERYTHING. Like omg, every single day it was something. My lips were huge (still are), I had long hair with long side burns (my mom always caught me shaving them), my forehead and head were huge (still are), and I was skinny. Sounds like an average girl before she embarks on puberty, right? Obviously! But kids are cruel, especially young boys. I was tired of the monkey jokes. I was tired of the jokes about my cheeks being so high that they slapped my eyes. I was tired of being asked, “How much Carmex did it take to cover my bottom lip?” And these might seem harmless, but I was young and sensitive. I struggled with self- image for a while! I often tell my mom, I really did not see myself as attractive until 7th -8th grade. To be completely honest, let us go with 10th grade. That was a glorious year for me. It all started with me taking a hard look at myself and deciding, I am going to work with I got. And what I have, is more than enough. I am going to love myself and my looks because... I am beautiful! PERIOD.

Fast forward to the present. Women are getting Botox injections for high cheek bones and collagen filled faces. Everyone is getting their lips done. Every time you look on social media, Kim K’s butt to thigh ratio….. gets worse L. I l am referencing all of this so you can understand… “beauty”, is always changing. At one point, thin was in and if you had a little gut you were fat and ugly. Now, thick women are fetishes and admired everywhere. All of a sudden, every man says, “A gut doesn’t mean nothing to a real man.” Remember when light skin was the “best skin” a couple of years back? Now suddenly, women with darker and richer skin are what’s in. To be clear, there should have never been a division in any of these categories. Everything and everyone has beauty. If you rely on the world around you decide your self-image, it will constantly be in shambles. Love Yourz. Period.

I was talking to this dude a while back, and we were on facetime one day. If I can recall, I was on my way to a party or some type of social gathering. So, he goes, “Let me see how you look.” So, I am extra cheesed and I turn the camera around. And of course, the insecurities in me jumped out. I said, “Oh my gosh, ignore my arms. I hate my arms, they are so big for my body. And ugh, please do not look at my hips, they don’t exist.” Now to my surprise, ya boy agrees with and says, “I noticed you do have big arms, and lol you don’t have hips.” Typical fashion Raven, I said I had to go and hung up the phone. And I had a fire picture ready that day for Twitter too, but I did not post it. I wallowed on what he said the rest of the day. Tbh, I did not even like him THAT much, for his opinion to stick with me that heavy. But it did. Later that year, when I was doing some soul searching I forgave him, but more importantly, I forgave myself. Why would I let a boy, decide my self-esteem. More importantly, why did I expect him to build what was not there. If I do not like my arms and my little hips, who will? If I do not love me, who will? People will treat you the way you carry yourself. Especially men. I have learned that you will meet some dudes who are trash. Like the fresh trash, you put on top of the dumpster right before it gets picked up. But why would you tolerate trash. It is because you do not love yourself. And if you do not love yourself and have no idea of what you are worth… how do you know what is acceptable and how someone should treat you? If Love Yourz, you’d know…

When I say love yourz, I mean it. Love your mind, soul, and body. For you to appreciate the woman you are, you must do some soul searching. Understand what makes you unique. What are the features and characteristics you admire the most about you? What are your strengths, what are you proud of as a woman, that you have overcome? And I know everyone is not as deep and routed in psychology as me. But everything begins with thoughts. If you can control and manage your thoughts, you can change your well-being. Then this positive mindset will manifest itself into a positive lifestyle. And yes, your self- image and mentality is a part of your well-being. It is not healthy for you to constantly take someone back who treats you badly and disrespects you, but you stick around because you think this is the only love you will ever experience. It is not healthy to constantly hook-up because sex is the only thing that makes you feel wanted and “valued” as a woman. It is not healthy for you to starve yourself so you can be ridiculously skinny. And Lord have mercy, it is not healthy for you to tear down the next female because you THINK she has something you want. That was mouth full, but these are real issues women face and if you do not know who you are, and lack a healthy image of yourself; you will fall victim to these plights.

I could write a book about self-love, but it is time for me to put a bookmark here. I am beyond grateful for my parents because they were very helpful with affirming me at a young age. My mother told me I was beautiful and still does. And that sounds like something to say in passing, but that kind of stuff sticks with a kid. That might not be the story for you. Maybe, positive self-esteem was not something you were taught about. You might feel that no one has loved or ever valued you as a woman. Well, I value you and by the end of 2019, you will value yourself. Today, write 3 things you love about yourself. Get some sticky notes, and put them on your mirror. Manifest that positivity onto your outlook of yourself. Love yourz sis!

Xoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxox- SeauxRaven